You can’t be the cool kid on the block until you have a badass social network profile. Whether you like using Facebook, Twitter, or something else along those lines, you need to have something funny to put on your profile. You can use whatever you want, but I love making conceited statements that are so corny, they’re funny. You may be in the same boat. Lucky for you, I have compiled a list of some of my favorite statements so you don’t have to do any searching. Yes, I’m that nice. You can thank me later. Here are some social network status updates you could use for your accounts…
- Even if you’re “not into farts,” you’d be pretty psyched about what I just did.
- Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
- I am not a morning person. By which I mean that in the morning, I am not a person.
- I don’t get many compliments, so I was surprised when the phone company called up to say I had an Outstanding Account.
- I don’t like to think myself as ‘Special’ I like to think myself as limited edition
- I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.
- I got 99 problems but a… umm… this will be graded on a curve, right?
- I have an athlete’s ability trapped in a dumpster’s body.
- I have the same body I’ve always had. Adjusted for inflation, of course…
- I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
- I only make mental bets. Now, I’ve lost my mind.
- I refuse to swallow my pride. The last thing I need in my diet right now is more empty calories.
- I style my hair so it looks like I just had sex, because I can trick myself when I look in a mirror, because I’m stupid.
- I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive?
- I understand the concept of cooking and cleaning but not how it applies to me.
- I wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide’s a crime
- I’d let you talk more, but you’re not as interesting as I am.
- I’m a humble person, really. I’m actually much greater than I think I am.
- I’m a magician when it comes to pretending I’m scratching my nose when someone catches me picking it.
- I’m glad I was diagnosed with OCD because now I have an even 100 problems.
- I’m in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
- I’m multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
- I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
- It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
- I’ve had to give up reading books. I find it takes my mind off myself.
- Just for the sake of argument, let’s say I’m right about everything.
- Men think of sex every 7 seconds but woman think of me every 2
- My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
- My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
- No, I’m not weird. I’m a limited edition.
- When they have pot belly dancing at the Y, sign me up.
- While having never invented a sin, I’m trying to perfect several.
- Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
Test out the options above and see if your friends like any of them. I know mine have gotten a kick out of a few of them. As long as you don’t have some stiff police officer friend that only laughs when the boss tells him to, you should get a ton of success from come awkward yet hilarious profile quotes like the ones listed above.














